Pedey vs. Hamburger Hands. First pitch @ 8:20 pm, on Fox.

UPDATE: Tuned in at 8:20 – to find the game in the 2nd inning.  No wonder newspapers are going out of business.  They lie.

POSTGAME Not enough heat called towards the end of Pedro’s 8K outing, Godzilla waits on yet another change-up and crushes one out, the Bronx crowd cheers safe a runner and the strike zone gets widened by a punch drunk ump….you’ll get ‘em next time, Pedey – more chin music, less junk.

Following its 75th Year Gala Event honoring “prominent bipolar” Richard Dreyfuss,  the MGH psychiatric dept. unveiled its brand new attempted-murder-suicide-by-cop therapy, currently at a 100% success rate.  “Shooting patients always seemed preferable to years of tedious psychotherapy, especially with bipolars,” said Dr. Lecter, visiting psychiatrist.  Yesterday’s incident at Mass General confirms what should be added to the health bill currently in the Senate: more guns in hospitals.

Contrary to popular reports, the pilots of Northwest 188 to Minneapolis were not on their laptops, but participating in a military readiness exercise authorized by former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who is a distant relative of flight Capt. Timothy B. Cheney.

When asked if he still had military powers to authorize such an operation, Vice-President Cheney smiled and returned to the war room in his underground bunker.

Hypochondriacs with increased worry have flooded emergency rooms nationwide.  Being on site with actual sufferers of swine flu, coupled with hypchondriac’s increased likelihood of illness (Briggs-Meyers 2008), has multiplied the transmission of the Hiney Flu by 600%.

Obese children and young adults are also at increased risk of contagious disease, as negligent parents and thrill seeking teens seek to assuage fears by increasing their weekly intake of fast food products.  Consumers of fast food products are advised to use drive-thru so as to avoid fishbowl effects in store locations.

1926-2009

Do you know this greasy head sitting in front of Denis O’Hare and Sandra Bullock?

Why it’s none other than scary Johnny Mic, creeping under the wing of the bootylicious Niecy Nash.

Following Denis’ ejection, Sandy continues to check Johnny’s head for ticks.  Johnny’s appearance as an off-duty cop was eventually cut, however the subliminal marketing campaign for JM continues unfettered, as evidenced by the market saturation of Justin Long. ttt

You know you’re a crazy Red Sox fan if you believe that folks taking off en masse to watch the Pats-Broncos game caused the Red Sox to lose today. This is how the conversation went: They’re up? Two runs? Alright, I’m audio video – goin’ to bump my baL @ the Pats lolol…Moments later, Papelbon has a “regular ol’ thermonuclear meltdown,” and lays said egg (see photo). With Bull Durham on repeat, we can only see Paps and Theo having a monster offseason, so beware pups.

Anyone miffed to see that temp Wagner in the 8th instead of fireballer Daniel Bard? The kid was hot by the end of 7 (101 mph). Instead we got Tito’s wrote strategy that used to be formulated with more desperation. 2-time recent World Series winners, there are currently too many high paid pitchers needing to get playing time. And why not sub in Capt. Tek for defensive purposes? Who were we trying to rest? Bard, age 24? Shouldn’t have ‘Tek been out there win or lose? Phaw and phooey…the fix was in.

Since Terry was out to lunch, Paps looked seriously stiff probably from lack of use, thanks Sox O… speaking of which the Sox are 0-2 in postseason bids without Manny. Is it greed to feel discontent when they don’t make it to the Series (of all places?) or is it that Manny looks like The Babe more and more all the time? Straightaway quick, I’d go get that witch doctor KG to reverse the new curse if Tom Werner traded Manny to finance a 2010 screen adaptation of The Cosby Show. ttt